Santa’s Solicitor

By Bailey Compton 22 Dec 2023

Hunter, my eldest granddaughter, recently asked if Santa Claus is real. That’s a tough question from an inquisitive kid who can’t be fooled! My response was, “Santa is real as long as you believe.” I told my parents that I believed until they realised, I was taking advantage of them.

Santa is the perfect myth! The adults derive pleasure, and the kids get presents. What could be better?

I once considered lodging a complaint with Fair Trading, noting that Santa had breached section 18 of the ACL by misleading and deceiving kids worldwide regarding his existence. Imagine my surprise when I received a call from a jolly old man introducing himself as Santa Claus.

I initially thought it was one of my mates playing a prank on me. This cheerful fellow said, “I am Santa Claus, and I believe you love weird and wonderful cases.” Would you believe it? I decided a Zoom call was in order.

Knowing that the North Pole is 11 hours behind Sydney, I arranged a meeting for 8 am in Sydney, which would be 9 pm at the North Pole.

On the screen appeared a man who could seriously benefit from Weight Watchers. He also looked like he needed a shave. That bushy white beard must be cumbersome when eating. Since he had no passport and no one had ever seen him before, the Zoom call wasn’t very effective. However, the red suit was certainly impressive. Despite my inability to identify this portly old man, I decided to hear him out.

Santa mentioned that Australia is over-regulated. He had just been informed that his sleigh needed to be registered for his Australian run. Could you imagine the mechanic’s face when Santa shows up with a sleigh to be inspected? The animal welfare movement is concerned about the overwork of the reindeer during present deliveries. People don’t realise that in Australia, Santa uses six white boomers.

Most concerning to Santa was the possibility of being breath-tested in Sydney. Who would think of charging someone for drink-driving in a sleigh? Santa confessed that, since starting in Cooktown, by the time he reached Sydney, he might be over the limit. “The boomers operate on autopilot. Why do I need to be sober? The children would be so upset if I didn’t drink the beer left behind,” he reasoned.

Santa briefed Leverage to seek an injunction in the Federal Court against the police activity. An interesting case indeed. I heard that the police officers involved had a change of heart at home and settled with Santa. Santa has promised to leave the beer behind this year, jokingly adding, “Since they’re not testing, how would they know?”

Santa was so impressed that he asked me to handle a few other matters:

He wants me to sue for defamation. He claimed, “I have never kissed mummy under any tree. That’s Dad impersonating me. Furthermore, this year, I haven’t checked who’s naughty or nice because no one has been nice this year!”

He wants to file a workplace relations claim concerning the requirement to climb into chimneys. “Can you imagine,” he said, “being fat and squeezing into those dirty, bloody chimneys?”

He also intends to lodge an anti-discrimination claim. He believes that being overweight is a disability, and the world discriminates against overweight people. I couldn’t agree more.

Santa was a delightful client, but every time he said “ho”, I couldn’t help but look around.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be like a child and believe that only good exists? No conspiracy theories or offence riders. To believe that there’s someone out there who appears once a year just to bring smiles.

From all of us at Leverage, have a sensational Christmas break. Deck the halls, be naughty, not nice, and “O come, all ye faithful.”

May 2024 bring joy and greatness to you all.